Dilli Ki Kahani

Ek din, mein dilli pahuncha, Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha, Coolie ne kaha bahar jaake poocho. Maine khud hi rasta doondh liya, Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha, "bhai saab Aagre ka kitna loge?" Jawab mila, "bechna nahi hai.." Taxi chhod, maine bus pakad li, conductor se pooncha, "ji.. kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?" Wo gurrra kar bola, "hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai" Maine kaha, "par wo janab to pi rahe hai!"
Phir se gurrrraya, "usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai"

Aagre pahucha, hotel gaya. Manager se kaha, "mujhe room chahiye, satve manzil pe" Manager ne kaha, "rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?" Room pahucha, waiter se kaha, "ek paani ka gilas milega." Usne jawab diya, "nahi sahab, yaha to saare kanch ke milte hai." Hotel se nikla dost ke ghar jaane ke liye, Raste me ek sahab se pooncha, "janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?" Janab hans kar bole, "peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon, yahi padi hai...."

Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk pada Usne poocha, "dilli kaise aana hua?" Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi, to maine bhi jawab diya,"Train se.." Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha,"areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai, uuse kuch taja taja khilao.." Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye. Kaha, "taji hawa kha lijiye." Dost ne phir se badi pyar se biwi se kaha, "areeee sunti ho...inhe jara apna chalis saal purana aachar to dikhana." Bhabiji ek batli me rakha aachar le aayi, Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha, "bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi....?" Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya, "yuhi agar sab ko chakhati to aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota..?"

Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne pote ko soola rahi thi, Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi, "diploma so ja, diploma so ja." Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha, "yaar ye diploma kya hai?" Dost ne jawab diya, "mere pote ka naam, Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye aur saath mein ise le aayi, isiliye hamne iska naam diploma rakh diya." Phir maine pooncha, "aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?" Dost ne jawab diya, "bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye...."

(Note: I got this story through a mail forward so don't know who the author is. I express my sincere gratitude to the real author.)

Global Popularity of Indian Bidi

The Fastest Thing

4 men - a Marathi, Bengali, Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.

The next morning, first up was the Marathi. "Here's your question," said the President, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" Without hesitation, he replied "A thought, because it takes no time at all." "Very good answer," said the President.

Next up was the Gujrati, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. "A blink," replied the Gujju almost instantaneously, "cos you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex." "Good answer," replied the president.

Next was the Bengali, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. The Bengali thought for a moment, "Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately." "That's a great answer," replied the president.

Finally, it was our Santa's turn. "What`s the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. Scratching his head Santa replied: "Diarrhoea, because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light....."

Custody of a Child

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, 'Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'

Hai koi jawaab???

Gandhi Ki Dhoti

There was just one Movie Theatre in a Village. The village people, though backward were very patriotic. In fact as a 'cinema screen' the owner of the theatre had installed a khaadi dhoti. The villagers were very happy with the idea of a Khaadi Dhoti screen. They decided to dedicate the theatre to Mahatma Gandhiji, and Named the theatre: "GANDHI KEE DHOTI"

Some of the Up coming attractions at GANDHI KEE DHOTI as advertised in the Local Newspaper were:
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein KACHHE DHAGE
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein HAL-CHAL
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Daraar
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Chuppa Rustom
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Baazigar
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Do Jasoos
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Aandhi
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Garam Hawaa
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Hero No. 1
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Sabse Bada Khilaadi
Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Gandhi kee dohti mein Raju Ban Gaya Gentlemen
Gandhi kee dohti mein Josh
Gandhi kee dohti mein Joru ka Ghulam
Gandhi kee dohti mein Mere Do Anmol Ratan
Gandhi kee dohti mein Judwaa
Gandhi kee dohti mein Refugee
Gandhi kee dohti mein Tera Jadoo Chal Gaaya
Gandhi kee dohti mein Jungle
Gandhi kee dohti mein Hera Pheri
Gandhi kee dohti mein Ajnabee
Gandhi kee dohti mein Pyaasa

Tiger Cow

Sarson ka Saag and Makki di Roti

Three Indian soldiers, Jai Reddy (Tamil), Joy Bosu (Bengali), and Santa Singh are captured by Pakistani Army. The Pakistani Corp commander does not want to have them as POWs and has decided to execute them. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Reddy asks for a Masala Dosai, which he is served and then taken away.

The Bosu requests a Machli Bhath, which he is served and also taken away.

Santa requests Sarson ka saag and Makki di roti.

The captors are surprised and reply ' Sarson?'

'Yes, Sarson.'

'Arre Sarson to is season mein aati nahin hai!'

'Koi gall nahin. Asee intezaar karanga...'

Magic of Numbers!

A British Diplomat paid a courtesy visit to Lalloojee. During a party, he thought of entertaining Lalloojee with the following magic of numbers.
He said, "Your excellency, Look at the value of the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it will be:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

L O B B Y I N G
12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only

L U C K
12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only

Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most important.
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

Sir, do you find it useful? This magic can work on your people to improve themselves, increase productivity, and make your country prosperous. Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your people. We can do it in less than a year"

Lalloojee thought for a while; and said, "I have better formula. See this......

C O R R U P T I O N
3 15 18 21 16 9 15 14 = 111 %

Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can do it in less than one week."

Translate English in Hindi!!

How would some common english sayings translate in hindi??

How do you do?
* Kaise karte ho?

Keep in touch!
* Chhoote Raho.

Lets hang out!
* Chalo bahar latakte hain !

Have a nice day!
* Achcha din lo!

What's up?
* Uppar kya hai?

You're kidding!
* Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!

Don't kid me!
* Mera bachcha mat banaao!

Yo, baby! What's up?
* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

She's so fine!
* Woh itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?
* Suno dost, woh chooza mera hai, theek?

Cool man!
* Thandaa aadmi!

Check this out, man!
* Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!

Hey good looking; what's cooking?
* Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho?

Are you nuts?
* Kya aap akhrot hain?

Son of a gun.
* Bachcha bandook ka.

Rock the party.
* Party mein patthar pheko.

Don't mess with me, dude.
* Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.
Submitted by Gagandeep 'Funny' Singh (19), Wellington

Santa Singh goes to Movie

Santa Singh lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, 'That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?'

The man looked up helplessly and said, 'Abbe saale... from the balcony!'

How old is your Father?

Sir Jee: How old is your father?

Ramu: As old as me.

Sir Jee: How can that be?

Ramu: He became a father only when I was born.

A Pakistani was sitting with an Indian and Nepali in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "I allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the Nepali guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Sheikh turned to Indian and said: "You are from the country of Shahruk Khan, so you can have 2 wishes!"

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies.

"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answers.

Train to Delhi

An Indian lady went to Railway station and asked the Station Master, "Is this my train?"

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~~

Having knowledge of this type of conversation this lady went to Post Office and asked the Post Master,"If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?" 

Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer: I bet you, it won't.

Post Master: Why not?

Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.

Nacked Statue

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Are baf re! Kya tumne wo admi ka nanga statue dekha?"

The second old lady replied, "Han Jee! Mai to behos ho gayee! Wo log aisi cheej ko kaise dikha sakte hai! Ui maa! uska wo ...... kitna lamba tha!"

The first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Ha, aur thanda bhi!"

Remote Control for Cricket Fans

A lion held a huge party at his place, He invited only his fellow lions. The lions were dancing when a dog also came and joined in. The lion asked the dog why he entered the party when the other species were not invited.

The dog said "Shaadi se pehle main bhi sher tha!"

Desi Cows

Dehati Cow:




Dehatan Cow:




Maharaja Cow:




Jogi Cow:

Womn at Heaven

A woman finds herself outside the Swarg, where she is greeted by Chitragupta.



"Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims.  "It's so beautiful!  Did I really make it to heaven?"



To which Chitragupta replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.  But you must do one thing before you can enter."



Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.



"Spell a word," Chitragupta replies.



"What is it?" she asks.



"Any word at all," answers Chitragupta.  "It's your choice!"



The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is India. I-n-d-i-a."



Chitragupta congratulates her on her good fortune in making it into Heaven, and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.



"I'd be honoured," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you're gone?"



Chitragupta instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done.  So the woman takes Chitragupta's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her.  Suddenly, lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and it is none other than her husband!



"What happened?" she cries.  "Why are you here?"



Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into a fatal car accident.  So here I am, ready to join you in Heaven."



"Well not just yet," the woman replies.  "First you have to spell a word."



"What's the word?" he asks.



"Czechoslovakia."

Desi Tiger Bidesi Style

Farmer and his Wife

A farmer and his wife from remote village of UP were in a nearby city and went to see a big mela.  The farmer was fascinated by the old aged airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.



"5 minutes ke liye 1000 Rupay ," replied the pilot. "Ye to bahut jyada hua," said the farmer.  The pilot thought for a second and then said, "To ek deal hai.  Agar tum log 5 minute ke liye bilkul khamos raha sako to ek bhi paisa nahi lunga.  Agar awaz nikali to 2000 dene padenge..."



The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.  After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer:  "Badhai ho, bilkul aawaz nahi nikali. Tum bahut brave ho."



"Ho sakta hai," said the farmer, "lekin jab meri bibi plane se giri to mai lagbhag chilla chuka tha."

5 Funny Laloo Jokes

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".



The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.



----------



Laloos family planning policy..   "Don't have more than two children in one year"



----------



At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,   "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"  Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."



----------



After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.



Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbow on the back of the cattle he poses for a photograph. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.



GUESS THE CAPTION !!



"Laloo, third from left!"



----------



Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane.Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here."



Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live !" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India ....and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live !"



Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane. The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump." The school boy said, "Don't worry ! There are still two parachutes left with us ! The most intelligent person,Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag !"

LADKE SE HI PAISE Q

BOY: SEX ME DONO KO MAZA AATAHAI...FIR LADKE SE HI PAISE Q ??

CALL GIRL: BEWKUF, CHARGE OUTGOING PAR HI LAGTA HAI.. INCOMONG PAR NAHI.

Bihari goes to see Movie

A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says:



"Saala pura body headache maar raha hai!"



------



In order to have some relaxation this Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets,"Do tho ticket dena"



The person at the window tells him that there is a house full



Listening him this Bihari says, "Koi baat nahin, do house full hi de do."

Cricket and Divorce

DIVORCE COURT SCENE :



The Judge asks the little girl: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your  mummy?



Little Girl: No, my mummy beats me.



Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.



Little Girl: No, my daddy beats me too.



Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?



Little Girl: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!

Meaning of Ford

MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?



CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.



MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?



CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai. Ox maane Bael, Ford maane gaadi. Oxford bole toh - BaelGaadi.

DIFFERENT PHASES OF SEX LIFE

AGE 20 - DIN RAAT,

AGE 28 - ROZ RAAT,

AGE 38 - JUMME RAAT,

AGE 48 - CHAND RAAT,

AGE 58 - ONLY JAZBAAT,

AGE 68 - GALAT BAAT...