Best of Desi Jokes: English

Showing posts with label English. Show all posts

Geographical Explanation of a Woman

Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa… half discovered , half wild, naturally (beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America… well developed and open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 and 45 a woman is like India… very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Santa Singh takes over at a struggling company as a CEO and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, Santa notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, Santa asks "How much money do you make a week?"

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.

Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.

Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.

Custody of a Child

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, 'Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'

Hai koi jawaab???

Magic of Numbers!

A British Diplomat paid a courtesy visit to Lalloojee. During a party, he thought of entertaining Lalloojee with the following magic of numbers.
He said, "Your excellency, Look at the value of the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it will be:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

L O B B Y I N G
12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only

L U C K
12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only

Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most important.
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

Sir, do you find it useful? This magic can work on your people to improve themselves, increase productivity, and make your country prosperous. Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your people. We can do it in less than a year"

Lalloojee thought for a while; and said, "I have better formula. See this......

C O R R U P T I O N
3 15 18 21 16 9 15 14 = 111 %

Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can do it in less than one week."

How old is your Father?

Sir Jee: How old is your father?

Ramu: As old as me.

Sir Jee: How can that be?

Ramu: He became a father only when I was born.

A Pakistani was sitting with an Indian and Nepali in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "I allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the Nepali guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Sheikh turned to Indian and said: "You are from the country of Shahruk Khan, so you can have 2 wishes!"

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies.

"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answers.

Train to Delhi

An Indian lady went to Railway station and asked the Station Master, "Is this my train?"

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~~

Having knowledge of this type of conversation this lady went to Post Office and asked the Post Master,"If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?"

Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer: I bet you, it won't.

Post Master: Why not?

Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.

A Bihari at US Checkpoint

A Bihari man was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
" Gajodhar Zadav "
"Sex? "
" Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even Buffalo !"

An Americanized Look At India

Here are a few things that could happen if India is Americanized:

1. Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement.

2. J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'. Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local jobs.

3. Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for them.

4. Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time - runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual, India is nowhere in the picture!)

5. Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken) because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.

6. Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.

7. India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.

8. Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around 1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.

9. Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta called "Bar-Bar"
10. San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi' which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".

Indian boy’s first day in an American school

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.

“Very good!” Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?” Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F**k the Indians, Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.. “General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? S*ck this!”

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ” Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “George Bush, Iraq, 2005

Bush and Kalam

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam.

He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!".

Santa and Banta in Hospital

Banta Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission).

Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's saree.

He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph."

The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see Santa Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him.

He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel.

So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay."

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay."

He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?".

The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"

Santa replied,"I wanted to stay here for a night....." The rest is history.

7 Up

This happened to an American visitor in Madras. In his hotel room he picked up the telephone one night and asked for a 7-up.

The switchboard operator answered in his best English, "7-up? Yes, sir."

The cold drink never arrived, but the next morning the tourist was woken up punctually at seven o clock..

An American Writer

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call”.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. ”O.K., thank you,” said the American.

He then traveled to Russia, Germany, France, Sri Lanka and Pakistan.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.
Finally he thought he would stop by at India to see if they have the same phone there as well.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “One Rupee per call.”

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

“Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven and so it was priced at $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in India now, son - it’s just a local call”.